What Every Parent Should Know

Emotional intelligence and autism are often discussed together when exploring how emotions are understood and expressed. Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to how a person acknowledges and manages their emotions, responding effectively to others. Emotional Quotient (EQ) measures these skills through various assessments and tools. 

Some of the common components of EQ are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. There is a myth that individuals who are on the autism spectrum may struggle with some of these skills, yet this is not always the case. My clients have demonstrated great empathy towards their friends and family when someone is in need. 

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What is emotional intelligence (EI)?

 The core components of EI and traits are as follows:

• Self-awareness: The ability to understand one’s own emotions and how they are related to other people.
• Self-regulation: The ability to manage impulses and interact appropriately in a variety of social situations.
• Motivation: Using emotions to strive towards a goal.
• Empathy: Sensing and understanding other people’s feelings.
• Social skills: Understanding how to engage in social situations, knowing how to connect and navigate in a variety of situations.

EI is typically measured by self-reporting and when working with a clinician. There are various assessments that an individual can take to gain a better understanding of their EQ. Without a formal assessment, we can also determine how someone relates to others. 

Emotional intelligence and autism: What’s the link?

Emotional intelligence can look different for everyone on the spectrum. Individuals with autism are cognitively more diverse than the “neurotypical” society.

For someone on the spectrum, we know that there can be learning impairments, as well as challenges in how the individual interacts with the world, communicates, and socially engages.

While this varies from person to person, a common thread in autism is that it affects social skills, communication, and how an individual responds to their environment. 

How a person with autism relates to others can depend on how they experience empathy: either with cognitive empathy or emotional empathy.

Cognitive empathy is understanding another person’s feelings, thoughts, and perspective. Emotional empathy is being able to share and feel similar emotions.

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For example, a child on the spectrum may not realize their friend is upset about moving away because they haven’t had a similar experience, showing a lack of cognitive empathy.

However, if someone explains the situation, the child may then feel sad or anxious for their friend, demonstrating emotional empathy.

Many of the clients I work with have very direct communication and think in black and white. 

For people who are not as familiar with this communication style, talking with someone who is on the spectrum may appear to lack emotional depth. This is not always the case. 

In my practice, I have learned that individuals with ASD are highly empathetic, care about people in their social circles, and want the best for people. 

Can autistic individuals have high emotional intelligence?

Although autism affects social interaction, communication, and behavior, people on the spectrum have varying levels of these traits.

Some clients use technology to communicate in high-stress times or are non-verbal. They are able to communicate their needs and feelings with these devices.

In communicating with these individuals, their EI comes through with their use of language. The tone may not be apparent yet, but their thoughts and feelings are often acutely described. 

Some people with autism may find that high-stress and anxious situations impact how they are able to describe their thoughts and feelings.

If someone is sitting in a room with a lot of people, there may be communication difficulties. This may be perceived as challenges with self-regulation, social skill deficits, and a lack of self-awareness in the moment.

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Understanding the environments that impact our children and young adults, we can equip them with the tools and techniques to ease the situation.

For example, taking a step outside to calm down nerves, or saying they need extra time to process thoughts and communicate.

While they may seem to have low emotional intelligence in the moment, autistic children and young adults often show high EI when viewed more broadly. 

Clarifying terminology is key, especially since meanings can vary for autistic and neurodivergent children. While this may feel unnatural for neurotypical individuals, it’s an important step to avoid misunderstandings.

Supporting emotional growth in autistic children

There are a few ways we can help our children and young adults develop and improve their emotional growth. 

With my clients, I ask them to name their feelings. The first step is to understand how they are feeling and then be able to identify it in others.

Some of my clients find it helpful to write, keeping track of the situation and their feelings. This reference can be helpful for future circumstances. 

When feelings escalate or are new, this can cause autistic people to become dysregulated. 

Practicing mindfulness and using coping strategies can help with regulating emotions. Some common strategies may include deep breathing, naming the emotion, applying deep pressure, and more. 

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I practice active listening and social skills with clients to improve relatability in social situations. We start a conversation, where I ask open-ended questions such as “What did you do today?”

When my client answers, they typically will reply and then stop the conversation. I encourage them to ask a similar question in return. This allows the conversation to flow.

We also practice active listening to hear what is being said and to use the information as responses.

I might say, “I went to the pool yesterday and got to swim, which is my favorite summer activity. Then my client could ask what else I like during the summer.

Picking up on parts of the responses can allow the conversation to flow. This allows people in the conversation to be heard and shows that your children and young people want to get to know others. 

Common misunderstandings and stereotypes

For individuals on the autism spectrum, there are many misunderstandings and stereotypes that they encounter every day.

Due to certain communication styles, some may appear to be cold, unemotional, and antisocial. It is my experience that this is not the case.

Many of the people I work with and encounter are very thoughtful, care compassionately about others, and want to engage socially.

Many of my clients are incredibly self-aware, having to navigate stereotypes. If we all take a moment to be curious, we can learn so much from those on the autism spectrum. 

Emotional intelligence is not one-size-fits-all

EI is a dynamic concept, not a one-size-fits-all approach. It should not be applied to everyone in the same way. We all experience our daily lives differently, with varying emotions; this is also true for people on the autism spectrum.

If we ask open-ended questions, we can find that our children and young people on the spectrum have deep feelings.

Encouraging our children to reflect and better understand their feelings enables them to develop a deep emotional life. We could all benefit from examining our feelings to gain a deeper understanding of how we relate to others.

FAQs

Q: Do people with Asperger’s syndrome have low EI?

A: It depends. Some individuals with Asperger’s may have lower EI as they may not be able to manage their emotions or describe their feelings. 

Q: Can people with autism feel love?

A: Yes. Neurotypical and neurodiverse individuals may need some time to process this feeling and determine how to describe or name it. 

Q: Do people with ADHD have emotional intelligence?

A: Yes. It may take some exploration to determine how someone with ADHD may describe their feelings and understand what the emotion feels like. 

Q: What is the EQ score for autism?

A: It depends on the assessment and the person. Each person will score differently, as with all assessments.