How to Unmask Autism: Embracing Your Authentic Self

To know how to “unmask autism,” you first must understand why some individuals with autism mask. They are attempting to conceal those behaviors that lead others to identify them as having autism. 

Today, many individuals with autism feel the pressure to attempt to “fit in” with peers or co-workers. This often leads them to develop masking abilities.

What is masking in autism?

While attempting to “fit in” and possibly not be recognized as an individual with autism, children and young adults may engage in masking. Their main goal is often to be viewed as non-autistic. To do so, they may engage in a variety of tasks. 

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In social situations or conversations, they may nod in agreement or laugh at something perceived as funny, without fully understanding what is being said or what they are agreeing with. They may memorize scripts that they believe will assist them in various social situations. They may even attempt to suppress or conceal their repetitive behaviors, such as rocking or flapping. 

Many people with autism may rely on masking to be accepted at school or in places of employment. They may also be attempting to avoid any discrimination from being labeled as “autistic.”

Why unmasking autism matters for mental health and self-esteem

Engaging in chronic masking can seriously affect the mental health of a child or young adult. Rather than explaining their autism to others and how it impacts them, they focus all their energy on concealing it. 

Denying one’s own disability while also attempting to “mask” it can be exhausting. It can lead to issues surrounding an increase in depression and anxiety.  This can also lead to identity confusion and eventually, burnout.

I have observed students in schools and young adults in workplaces refusing to request accommodations they are aware they require so as not to be recognized as autistic or perceived as “disabled.” Many children will avoid asking for assistance at school and prefer to fail an assignment as opposed to disclosing their autism to others. 

Young adults who are employed may lose their jobs due to attempting to “mask” their autism and appearing to understand social cues associated with their jobs, when they don’t.

With all the stress and anxiety centered on masking, individuals with autism may begin to attempt to unmask by themselves. They may start to believe that the best way not to increase their stress and depression levels is to “avoid” the social situations where they engage in masking. 

However, this leads them to limit their social interactions, and the exact opposite happens. Their anxiety and depression increase instead of decreasing.

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How to start the unmasking process

Masking can become a vicious daily cycle for some individuals. It can almost be viewed as an addiction. As with any addiction, the unmasking process may be difficult to break and takes time. 

The process of unmasking differs from one individual with autism to another. There is no defined timeline for the successful unmasking process. 

The difficulty of unmasking can also be compounded by how long your child has been masking. The longer they have been doing this, the more it has become part of their daily ritual.

One of the first steps in addressing unmasking is helping your child understand their autism and how it affects them. You can’t advocate successfully for yourself if you can’t define your disability and the accommodations you require.

Reassuring conversations with your child, either alone or with a trained professional, can also assist them. 

Unmasking in different environments: What to expect

Unmasking can occur in different environments and will require practice. Some children prefer to practice at home in a safe environment with their parents or siblings. Others may wish to create a safe place at school with their school counselor, autism specialist, or classroom teacher.

In my observations, if unmasking techniques are practiced at home or at school, they often don’t necessarily transfer to other environments. You may find that your child is successfully unmasking at home in social situations but not transferring these new skills to community events or school settings. Encourage your child to use their unmasking skills in as many environments as possible.

You can work with your child to develop a list of environments that are particularly concerning to them. Your child can create a list of social situations at home, in the community, and at school that they feel cause them to mask. Then begin by selecting one of these situations to work on together. Working on several situations at a time may overwhelm your child.

Your child should be fully involved in selecting safe environments, allowing them “ownership” of their journey of unmasking. They also need to express a desire to stop masking.

Supporting autistic children or teens in unmasking

Many parents are surprised to discover that their autistic children are observing how they respond to others’ questions about them having autism. Your child may watch how you react to others in the community who ask why they flap their hands so much.

What are you verbally stating to others at home or in the community when they question you as to why your child is not maintaining eye contact with others? Do you even feel comfortable as a parent using the term autism, or are your facial expressions indicating something else?

Children and young adults who have engaged in masking may have encountered neurotypical individuals making negative comments about people with autism. As a parent, you need to reassure your child that some individuals they will encounter may have a negative viewpoint of autism. 

To help your child avoid internalizing these negative comments, watch for signs that your child is beginning to engage in negative self-talk. Assure them that many of their traits are a natural part of who they are. However, while autism is a part of them, it doesn’t always have to define them fully.

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While autistic individuals must identify “safe places” to practice their unmasking skills, it is equally important for them to identify “safe individuals.” You can work together to identify a list of “safe individuals” across various environments that your child would feel comfortable approaching if they needed assistance with practicing their unmasking skills. 

Don’t be offended if your child does not identify you as a “safe person” for their list. It may not occur to them to include you. Even if they identify only one person as safe, it is an important first step towards developing their unmasking skills.

Unmasking doesn’t mean “fixing”, but belonging

Your child will need to understand that you are not attempting to “fix” them. Ensure that your child knows you want them to embrace their identity by being true to themselves. As a parent, demonstrate that your love for them is unconditional and includes accepting their autism.

Having your child meet other children or adults with autism can be very effective. Your special education teacher or school counselor may be able to set up a group meeting such as this. You and your child may be able to find an online support group, or local autism associations may hold meetings or special events for you and your child to attend. 

Meeting and engaging with others with autism will help your child understand that they may be experiencing the same daily struggles.

A journey towards self-acceptance

Your child may find that their autistic tendencies calm them. Remind them that they don’t need to hide these tendencies to please others. It will steal their joy and cause unnecessary anxiety for them. 

As they meet others with autism, they may discover that their “unique” qualities are not so unique after all. They may be simple characteristics that other neurodivergent people share. 

Self-acceptance can be tough for individuals with autism who are engaging in masking. Unmasking is not a quick process. However, nothing in life that is important will be. 

Take your time with this process and address failures as you go. The process will require a lot of practice but will yield valuable results in the end.

FAQs

Q: How do you know if you’re masking autism?

A: An individual who is masking may be trying to avoid being recognized as autistic. They may smile and nod during conversations they don’t understand, and try to hide stimming or repetitive behaviors to fit in.

Q: How does it feel to unmask autism?

A: Unmasking in autism has been described as feeling freeing, depending on a person’s social environment and culture. Some individuals report that it is difficult and can be emotionally challenging. An individual can often feel relieved, less anxious, and more self-accepting.

Q: Is it possible to mask autism without knowing it?

A: While some people mask to “fit in” to a social situation or avoid being seen as autistic, others may do this unconsciously or unintentionally. If a behavior, such as stimming, causes stares or negative responses, an individual may unconsciously change or suppress it to adapt to their environment.

Q: Why is unmasking so hard?

A: The unmasking process takes time. If an autistic individual has been masking, consciously or unconsciously, for a long time, the behavior can become a habit, which can be difficult to break. Also, some settings are not always safe for complete unmasking. Individuals may need help embracing their differences as strengths and working toward self-acceptance.