Today, I Struggled: The Reality of Caregiving and Mental Exhaustion - Finding Cooper's Voice

Today, I struggled.

For 17 years, I have been managing another person’s nervous system, the two of us tethered together by an invisible tie. We are not only connected physically but emotionally as well. It’s as if we share the same nervous system, and every rise and fall either of us experiences is felt intensely by the other.

Today was harder.

For two weeks now, I have been trying to keep her calm and even, every moment unpredictable as we cycle through emotions: happy, sad, angry, anxious, and silly, over and over, like a hamster wheel that won’t stop spinning.

Today, I struggled.

I am the adult in this situation, and I know she is not in control of what is happening to her. I am her mom. It is my job to help and keep her, and everyone around her, safe through each and every moment.

Today felt heavy.

I am a caregiver and have been for many years. I am her mother, teacher, therapist, and nurse, all wrapped up in one person.

Today, I struggled.

I am tired, and I have an anxious mind. I feel lonely and unseen. Some days, I feel like I am watching the whole world pass us by because this life does not allow us to do all the things our friends and family get to experience.

Proms, graduations, vacations, peaceful, worry-free outings, spontaneity, and the freedom to come and go as you please. Every moment has to be meticulously planned from beginning to end. Some of those things will never come to be for us, and it all feels so heavy sometimes.

Today, I struggled.

I have imposter syndrome when people tell me what a good mother and person I am. I struggle because I know that earlier today, I snapped at her, even though I know that only makes things worse. I was not a good mother at that moment, and I feel intense guilt surrounding that.

I am in a dark place right now and cannot see the light. And when people tell me how amazing I am, I fall deeper because I am not amazing. I am only human, and right now, I am barely treading water.