Creating Work-Life Balance as an Autism Parent

A look at ways to develop a balanced lifestyle to promote wellbeing for parents of special needs children.

“Your desires don’t matter anymore now that you have become a parent.”
“I sacrificed way more for my children than you are doing for yours.”
“You want to hear you are doing a great job? Tell me how?”

How many of us hear things like this, from our friends, family members, social media platforms, other parents, and even our own parents or in-laws? I know I did and so do ALL my clients past or present. So it is not uncommon but a sad norm!

The fact that I was once a somewhat accomplished neurodiverse academic was the foundation of my existence. And then I became an “autism mom”. Mind you this title is significant, it impacts all aspects of life, it’s much more than a cute name. I was in hell and in pain. In anguish and in desperation. One moment I was thinking of flipping my hypersensitive baby out the window, the next I was contemplating taking my own life. The guilt, the shame, and the hidden blame on me ate away at my life.

Then, painfully slowly, I turned it around. I no longer wanted to be the “tsk tsk, poor girl with an autistic son” and I went on to hitting six-figures through a self-made practice, and supercharging my once “nonverbal living doll” to an active, thriving, happy, verbal and successful child!

How did I accomplish my goals?

I identified that the reason behind my depression and manic panics was that no one was giving me credit for trying so hard! No one was telling me: “You are a great mom and doing the best you can at this moment.”

I broke my first metaphorical ceiling after I concluded from a survey I conducted that the majority of my peers decided to just “go with the flow”. We think we don’t have choices, but in truth we do. We can do things and take our share of responsibility and try. The fact that I was trying a lot more than I was comfortable with proved to me that I was doing a great job at motherhood already…period.

After I identified my core needs I made a decision to identify all the small, medium and big ways I was surviving, learning, evolving and growing both myself and my children. I would remind myself every day that I was a great mom. Our brain and mind requires repetition to start accepting and believing new programming. With time, my need for self-destruction subsided and I got my strength back.

Here’s what I learned, and did, which you can try. It will give you back your strength, confidence and courage to get your career back (if you left it to take care of your special needs child) and strive for that elusive work-life balance:

1. Accept that you are not mighty Thor and there is no 100% perfection

Oh yes, you put too much on your plate thinking that’s how the world works, or you are “supposed” to be the prodigal juggler; needing to do everything while getting “nothing of major importance” done. PRIORITISE honey.

• Accept there is something called opportunity cost which is if you chose A you can’t get B
• Assess pockets of lost time and repurpose them
• Throughout the day assess priorities and urgent tasks and focus on those
• Give yourself a specific time slot to finish each task. PS: you need to learn and learn some more. Listen to a podcast, audio books on business growth, finding jobs, work on organization, being a ninja, self help etc. Consider anything and everything that will help you grow. And of course, use this information to take action
• Also give yourself grace for falling down. Get back up without giving in to remorse

You might find a “guru” at one concept for a few days and then the charm wears down. If this happens, find another approach. We tend to think that we should follow one mentor or persona to become our best, but often you will need a band of “gurus” to give you all the sets of skills you need.

2. Feed your emotions a good diet and detox often

Meditation is helpful in order to keep our brain and mind balanced. I will find hundreds of excuses to get out of a session, but it is that hour spent on hypnosis that helps me stay motivated, calm, collected, and efficient for the other 23 hours of the day.

Journaling, inner child healing, talking to trusted friends—all these restorative activities feed our minds. Oh and do a “Judgment Detox” of yourself and others. It works like a charm, plus what you judge in others is always what you judge in yourself so take note.

3. Get back your strength

Yes, you need to take care of your health otherwise you won’t feel energized. I recommend trying a 15-21 days elimination diet where you don’t eat certain food groups such as dairy, gluten, grains, etc. I made an amazing discovery that all the so-called “health food” I was eating was making me sad, inflamed, eczema prone, irritated, lethargic, and out of order. After eliminating certain items to occasional treats I regained my strength and now have the energy to think about others, serve my family and clients, and be on top.

Also try waking up an hour earlier and breathing deeply. And do a few rounds of Yoga Asana, for 20 minutes to help you start the day as a ninja. Experiment to find what works for you and then just do it!

4. Change what you can, and leave that which does not need fixing

Recite your serenity prayer every now and then and find out all the actions you can take to reduce and reverse your anxiety and accept things you can’t change. Often we are scared and anxious about our special needs child and we get stuck in a limbo. We post in large Facebook groups, get 100s of different ideas, and then we become even more scared and confused!

When we do a brain dump on all the nitty gritty that is eating at us, we transfer our stress to paper. The act of writing brings the monsters out into broad daylight. After that, do an exorcism on them! Identify what actions you can take to improve the problem and then take the steps necessary. Let your inner wisdom guide you. This small action could reduce your anxiety and depression big time!

5. Grow your spirituality and bond with a like-minded tribe

I was always an introvert. I have experienced severe bullying and abuse in all shapes and forms pretty much everywhere in my life. As a result, I would stay away from people when I could. Since the pandemic I’ve come to understand that we’re wired to crave human connection. So, even if it’s just one friend or a cozy positive group, find your tribe and share your wins and frustrations with them. Discern for yourself and take advice with a pinch of salt. Do your own testing and implementation.

Spirituality is not religion based and you can be totally spiritual without being a religious person. Spirituality is studying your connection with the world, the universe, nature, with other humans, and everyone in and around your network. We are all connected to each other. Our energy fields are interwebbed, which is why a positive person, brimming with energy, can immediately bring happiness to others just through their presence. Remember, your emotional and mental health affects your child the most.

Final thought: you’re not alone

Lastly, I want to say that you are not alone. Reach out to like minded folks, learn more, do your research and experiment. The mind, body and soul are interconnected, which is why a holistic approach to our lives will catapult us to heightened states we can’t even imagine. Don’t wait for the medical world, society, or peer pressure to decide the course of your own and your child’s life. Life is a gift, treat it so.