Grief in Autistic Adults: Healing Steps After a Mother’s Passing

An autistic advocate shares advice for how people on the spectrum can cope with losing a parent, drawing from her own experience following her mother’s passing.

I am writing this to show how handling the death of a parent makes a difference. I am letting autistic individuals know they can weather the storm.

It is how you get to the other side that matters. You make choices in life. Who do you choose to be?

When I became an adult, there was a time I worked with children. These children were terrible. I didn’t know how their moms could love them.

At that time, I thought I would disown a child acting badly. Except I thought long and hard because when I was a child, I was terrible too. It was a nightmare.

Even with all the awful things I did, my mom still loved me. She didn’t disown me. When a parent has a child, this child is theirs to love.

A mother’s love shines through example

When a parent has a child, their whole world changes in the blink of an eye. It’s about loving your children no matter how “terrible” they are. You help the child find themselves.

A parent is a child’s protector and teacher. A loving parent shapes some of themselves in their children. This was why my mom was everything to me.

My mom moved mountains for me. She loved me to my core. Her love beamed out of her.

My mom worked hard with me to instill values. These values were to find the positives in life, to love, and to smile. She taught me to act better.

I would have to make choices later, as I got older. I did not understand what that meant until my mom got sick. Life choices came during a dark period in my life.

A mother’s love shines through hard times

Losing my mom to dementia was truly the most challenging event that I have gone through. I was emotionally drained as I watched my mother lose everything that made her who she was.

It was heart-wrenching. I felt like I was drowning. I was sinking to the bottom.

I wondered how my life would turn out. I depended on her to be there. I didn’t know how to live without her.

I became so quiet. I barely talked to people. I was afraid I would make others angry, so I said very little. These were my “lost years.”

When I did speak, I would leave in the middle of conversations. I was just done talking; other people were not.

I would hang my head in shame. I had no self-confidence. I believed the nasty things said about me.

Work was bad. I was making bad choices there; I was socially inappropriate. In other environments, I would watch what I did very carefully. I would try hard not to make mistakes. I was sad and very emotional.

I didn’t know what direction to take. I didn’t want to do anything, so I never had any hobbies.

I didn’t have many people at my apartment. I never wanted to show how bad it was for me at home. I cried all the time.

I avoided thinking about my mom because it was painful. I hit rock bottom.

There were some very dark days when I just did not want to go on. However, I made the choice to get out of bed every day and face life. I am glad I am here today.

A mother’s love shines through choices

I chose never to start drinking or doing dangerous drugs, even when life was painful. These values are rock steady because of what my mom taught me. It’s all about the choices I make in life. I weathered the storm and stood on my own two feet.

I was finding Angela. I was discovering what made me tick.

I was making these choices on my own. I found myself, so I could someday become an advocate for others. I just did not know that yet.

I went on without my mom’s physical presence, but she was still in my heart. I was stronger than I realized because her strength and love lived within me.

I did not know I had a loving and nurturing side until I chose to love, care, and nurture others. My love for others has increased immensely. I became warm and bubbly.

I avoided going down the wrong path. Instead, I made good choices. I found a place to share my experiences, which encouraged me to grow emotionally. I made lifelong friends. I am learning to communicate with them clearly.

I made a choice to change my behavior for my brother and father. A wise move, because I’d be lost without their wisdom today.

A mother’s love shines through triumph

I decided to take my medication. I had stopped seeing my therapist, so I went back.

I settled down in an apartment; I called it home because it felt safe. I’ve been there for ten years.

I have a cat keeping me company in my apartment. She is very social and friendly.

I put supports in place. I have become a well-rounded person. Surprisingly, I became a role model for others. I stick to the values my mom taught me.

I have strengthened my values since losing my mom—values like courage, loyalty, confidence, and always giving my best. I have found happiness, and I continue to be happy.

I found my own passions, and I now have several hobbies.

A mother’s love shines through even death

Losing my mom and the aftermath of such a deep loss was brutal. My mom shared her love with me so I could share it with others. It’s getting back on your feet that matters.

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to cry and be sad. Getting past that is key.

Getting back up and walking again makes a person strong. If my mom were still alive, I’m not sure I would have accomplished what I have.

She was taken from me so I could find out who I am and share it with the world. I have become an individual. My mom would be so proud of who I’m becoming.