How to Avoid Autism Helicopter Parenting

Read on for 10 clues to help parents identify “helicopter parenting” and how to fix it.

Many parents with children who have autism may struggle with separating from them when they attend school or join in community events and activities. However, some parents may experience an extreme obsession with their progress at school, who their friends are, and their involvement in extracurricular activities. This obsession can lead to them becoming what some refer to as “helicopter” parents, a parenting style associated with paying excessive attention to kids’ every move.

Here are ten ways to identify if you are becoming a “helicopter” parent and some tips for effectively dealing with it.

1. Assuming responsibility

Do you feel a need to assume responsibility for your child with autism? Instead of helping them do their own homework, do you find yourself doing it for them?

Do you find that you are giving them fewer chores to do around the house than their siblings who do not have autism? If you want your child to feel that they are an “equal” member of the family, then they must be expected to complete chores at home to develop that same level of independence as their siblings.

2. Obsession with school

Are you overly anxious about your child with autism’s progress at school? Do you find you are calling, texting, or emailing your child’s autism teacher more than your other children’s teachers? Keep in mind that your child’s teacher has approximately 20 other children in the classroom as well as yours.

While maintaining contact with the classroom teacher is important, you don’t want to overdo it and appear as a “helicopter” parent. It is not necessary for you to be in contact with your child’s classroom teacher daily.

You also don’t need to assume that your child’s teacher needs to become your new best friend. Most teachers are really good about reaching out to parents if a problem with their child occurs at school.

3. Overly involved

Being involved in the life of your child is a great goal to have. However, there is a difference between involvement and obsessive involvement. It is not necessary for you to be actively involved in every one of their extracurricular activities, community involvement, social activities, and school events.

Many parents of children with autism may also have other children in the home who don’t have autism. Do you feel a need to be overly involved in the life of your child with autism more than your other children?

Keep in mind that all children need to develop a healthy sense of separation from their parents. This allows them to develop their own autonomy and to begin to think for themselves.

They can’t do this if you are their “Room Mother” at school, their baseball coach, sitting in their Sunday School class, and hanging out at all their social events with them. Giving them some personal “space” may be the best gift you can give them. It can also help you to avoid becoming a helicopter parent.

4. Being perfect

Do you feel a need to demonstrate to others in the community and school environment that your family is “perfect?” Do you struggle with the need to handle all aspects of your child’s life? It is fine if you and your family are not perfect. 

If your child leaves their homework at home, it is their responsibility. If your child has a meltdown at school or in the grocery store, do you feel responsible for their behavior or instantly feel that it is a reflection on your skills as a parent? Sometimes, the best thing you can do is admit the struggles you are having with your child with autism and reach out to others for support and guidance.

5. Making decisions

Do you struggle with allowing your child with autism to make their own decisions? Do you fear they’ll constantly make the wrong decision? In order for your child to develop a healthy sense of self, they need to be encouraged to make their own decisions.

Children with autism who are not encouraged to think for themselves will develop a sense of “learned helplessness.” This will seriously impact their ability to live independently as a young adult or secure and maintain competitive employment.

6. Celebrating failure

Do you struggle with allowing your child with autism to fail? Do you find yourself constantly correcting your child? It is always difficult for any parent to watch their child fail. However, I have found that some of the best skills I have developed in life started out with me experiencing failure first.

Your child needs to understand that in order to develop new skills, it may sometimes be necessary to take a risk. Sometimes the risk may turn into failure, but your child cannot exist inside a plastic bubble. Taking risks and failing may lead to future success.

7. Excessive conversation

Do you find that all your conversations in your home center on autism? While people may appreciate being educated on autism, your whole life does not need to revolve around this single topic. Having autism is just one part of your child.

Do you struggle with discussing other topics involving your child (other than autism)? Your child may be a strong academic student, have fantastic musical skills, be great at wrestling, draw beautifully, etc. All of these are also issues that can be used for discussion within your home or with friends, family members, or neighbors.

It is also important that if you have another child, without autism, in your home, that equal attention is given to their accomplishments or how their day at school went. Siblings who don’t have autism often feel overlooked within their own families. As parents attempt to deal with everything that needs to be done daily for their child with autism, they may be unaware that they are neglecting the needs of their children without autism.

8. Defending your child

Not everyone your child with autism interacts with is going to be nice to them. Being involved in an integrated environment means dealing with difficult or even ignorant people. Do you feel a need to explain to others that your child has autism?

Your child needs to know that they have autism. Does your child know what “autism” means?

You can’t self-advocate for yourself if you don’t understand what you are self-advocating for. Letting your child with autism self-advocate is a skill that they can carry with them for the rest of their life.

9. Excessive anxiety

Do you find yourself experiencing daily anxiety over simple issues with your child with autism? Do you find yourself excessively worrying about the future of your child ? Are you concerned about where they will go to university, what supports they’ll need, whether they can live independently, whether they will ever date, whether they will be able to support themselves with competitive employment, and whether they will be able to self-advocate when necessary?

These are all valid concerns. Many parents with children who do not have autism also worry about these issues. However, if your concerns begin to absorb your own daily functioning, then it may be time to seek some professional help. A professional counselor with a background in autism may be able to assist you with support to alleviate your need to become a helicopter parent.

10. Involve your child with autism

If you discover that you are indeed a “Helicopter Parent,” remember there is still hope. Focus on involving your child with autism in your decision-making.

Find out if they want you involved at their school or with their friends. Listen to their comments and ideas and allow them to make their own choices. Let them know you are always available to offer suggestions and support.

Respect their choices even if you disagree with what they want. Try not to constantly correct them. Allow them to develop their autonomy, and let them learn from their own mistakes.

Your love for your child should be unconditional. Actively listening to your child will help you avoid becoming a helicopter parent.