Navigating the Sensory Quandary: Essential Strategies

Is “helicopter parenting” always a negative parenting approach? A mom of a child with sensory needs shares her wisdom.

Parenting a child with sensory processing disorder (SPD) or autism is not for the faint of heart. However, your child is a precious treasure, and their differences may just mean they need a unique parenting approach.

All parents are tasked with teaching their child to cope and survive in this sensory-rich world. You (as a parent of a sensory or autistic kiddo) must accomplish this task while also helping your special child deal with the diverse and intense manner in which their nervous system processes otherwise “simple” stimuli.

Imagine a microphone. Its purpose is to amplify sound for everyone in a room. As you may know, for your special kiddo, a normal and everyday sensory stimulus may become amplified, intense, and overburdening on their sensory nervous system while not bothering neurotypical peers at all.

The Understood Team writes, “Sensory processing issues are difficulties with organizing and responding to information that comes in through the senses. Kids may be oversensitive to sensory input, undersensitive, or both.”

The Understood Team goes on to write that, oftentimes, SPD issues result in a child being overly sensitive regarding the senses. In fact, a sensory kiddo will work hard to stay away from any intolerable sensory stimuli.

What could this look like in real life?

A sensory or autistic child may:

• Scream over a seemingly “simple” injury
• Exhibit difficulty recovering from a challenging situation
• Become upset when clothes do not fit just right (or if the tags or seams are bothersome)
• Show a big response to sudden, loud noise
• Hang back at a birthday party instead of being a willing participant in a loud party game
• Become angry when suddenly bumped or touched
• Panic when a strange material touches their toes
• Desire to eat crunchy snacks
• Be repulsed by certain textures of food

The list, of course, could go on and on…

So, what is the Sensory Quandary!?

Experts have discussed the importance of parents not “helicoptering” their children. (A more recent catchphrase is lawn-mower parenting or bulldozer parenting.)

There is a very intriguing and well-written article called What Is Helicopter Parenting? In it, Kate Bayless quotes from many professionals who deal with this interesting and important topic. One of the premises of the article is that helicopter parenting can involve over-parenting or overprotecting.

In this particular article, the process of helicoptering was not viewed in a positive way. Helicopter parenting, at its core, was viewed as a means of hampering a child’s growth, maturity, and ability to rebound during a variety of hardships. Of course, no parent desires to purposely hamper a child’s needed growth or ability to bounce back when difficulties arise.

Is it really “okay” or beneficial, though, to think of your sensory or autistic child in the same light as a non-sensory or non-autistic child? If certain sensory stimuli can overwhelm your child’s nervous system, can you truly helicopter too much? Is it okay to proactively bulldoze sensory problems to help alleviate sensory overload for your child?

On the other hand, will too much helicoptering and bulldozing interfere with your sensory/autistic child learning to cope with difficulties in life? Will your caution backfire?

Perhaps these considerations cause you stress. This is the Sensory Quandary.

Here is what this quandary may look like practically. Are the following choices truly okay?

• Cutting off all tags from your child’s clothes
• Having your child wear pants to the park instead of shorts on a hot day (to protect their knees during a fall)
• Allowing your child to stay away from the loud group at a family party
• Asking your child’s teacher to allow them to stand last in line (to protect them from any bumping in line)
• Asking your child’s teacher to allow your kiddo to sit in the back of the room, away from the bright window
• Bringing separate food for your texture-sensitive child to a friendly family barbeque
• Asking grandparents to only take your child to a shaded park to protect your child from the bright, overburdening sun (or at least strongly insist that they bring along your child’s hat and/or sunglasses)
• Requesting that your child’s nanny not take your child to the loud and chaotic box store during the busy hours
• Asking other children not to play on your child’s indoor cuddle swing

Would those around you (who do not fully understand SPD or autism) think you are helicoptering or bulldozing your child’s specific problems too much? Are you?

Will these choices affect your SPD/autistic child for life? Again, this is the big quandary.

Keep a long-term perspective

Here are a few encouraging go-to thoughts to help you overcome any worries about what types of sensory-based decisions to make and to help you deal with the sensory quandary:

• Other people’s opinions do not matter in the big scheme of things. This sounds harsh, but it does not have to be. Please remember, other people do not know the full picture. Plus, they do not have to know all the details of the why in your decision-making.
• You know your child best. Is there a particular stimulus that is much too difficult for your child to process? Your calm assistance to help regulate your child’s nervous system (even if it involves helicoptering) is always appropriate.
• Your special kiddo already has more daily obstacles to overcome than the non-sensory/neurotypical child. To add on unnecessary sensory stimuli is not helpful.
• It is not possible to bulldoze everything. This means you have ample opportunities to help teach your sensory/autistic child how to regulate responses regarding the nervous system and the sensory-rich stimuli.
• Your child needs to feel safe in this sensory-rich world. Helping to relieve an overload of sensory stimuli provides this desired (and needed) safety.
• Without question, your child is brave! This does not mean that your kiddo will climb the tall ladder at the park or jump off the diving board like the other children. In life, these “brave things” are not what count anyway. However, the fact that your sensory/autistic kiddo gets up every morning and enters yet another overwhelming sensory day is something tremendous to keep in mind.
• YOU are the perfect parent for your sensory/autistic child. This does not mean you are perfect. It means you know when it is appropriate to helicopter or bulldoze and when your child needs to fly a little bit higher than the year before
• Little steps are quite big! Step back and smile when your sensory/autistic child is able to deal with something that was seemingly impossible before

Perhaps it is safe to say that a Sensory Quandary is only a quandary if it is made to be one. Be encouraged to make the decision that is right (in your eyes, ignore other opinions!) for your sensory/autistic kiddo. Your unconditional love, peppered with what you feel is the right amount of helicoptering and bulldozing, will help your child feel safe and become successful.