Help Nonverbal Toddler To Create Communication

Why is it that no matter how tirelessly you work, you cannot get your autistic toddler to talk? You have used all of the strategies that your professionals recommend, yet you are still seeing so little progress.

The worst part is that interactions can feel so awful for both of you. Many of the strategies you have been taught involve lots of prompting, pressure, or holding out on giving your toddler what he/she wants until they produce a specific communicative act (most often a word).

These strategies sound reasonable, but in your gut, something doesn’t feel right.

Multiple forms of prompting and withholding are commonly taught strategies, and they make total sense on the surface, right? Your toddler won’t learn to talk unless you make him/her talk with strategies such as “I want___” phrases, “Use your words” approaches, or the process of not giving your toddler an item until he/she uses words for it, right?

But what if there is a different way to get your toddler on the road to talking? A way that feels better for both you and your toddler? A way that not only creates more communication from your toddler but more connection with you too?

What if the approach you are using feels awful, and you are seeing limited progress because you are working at a level that is too high for your toddler instead of meeting them exactly where they are to enable them to feel understood?

Toddlers with characteristics of autism do not yet understand the value, purpose, and joy of communication. It is our job to teach them that it feels good and is worth it before they will ever use it on their own. Yet, this is the critical piece that is often skipped over by professionals.

Toddlers with characteristics of autism don’t yet understand that communication has a purpose. They don’t yet understand that they can get a basic need met or even a social connection by communicating. They don’t yet understand that they have a role in the communication process and the power of their own communication.

Without helping them understand these critical components, how can they move beyond prompting and withholding to communicate naturally?

We understand the pressure to focus on words. Almost every strategy and professional encourages it.

However, when we focus on words, what happens? We unintentionally ignore all other communication toddlers are using at the expense of waiting, hoping, and working for that word.

When we focus on words without creating a solid foundational understanding of the value and purpose of communication and the joy of a back-and-forth interaction, the results are pop out words that come and go. These would be nonfunctional words, rote/memorized words, and words that will only come when highly prompted.

It is critical to enable your toddler to understand the power of his/her own communication in order for them to ever want to initiate communication from an internally motivated place.

This requires a perspective shift on your part, backing up to meet your toddler where they are, in order to move forward in a meaningful way towards connection and communication.

When you shift from holding out for words or signs to seeing all communication as valuable and responding based on this perspective, your toddler begins to learn that communication feels good, has value, and that he/she has a role in the communication process.

When you help your toddler understand that communication feels good and that power lies within it, it unlocks your toddler’s desire to communicate. Unlocking this desire is the key to progress.

When families come to us for coaching, 99% of the time we hear, “But if I stop prompting and withholding and start giving them what they want for just a look or a reach or just for leaning in towards an item, why would they ever move to a higher level of communication? If they can just get it from looking at it and looking at me, why would they do more?”

Here is the critical perspective shift. There is a reason that your toddler has made so little progress. It is because strategies that center around a focus on words have not been igniting your toddler’s desire to communicate. In fact, just the opposite. Strategies that involve pressure and prompting lead to shut down and little internal motivation.

However, when you change your perspective and shift your approach to meeting your child exactly where he/she is, responding to the communication that your toddler is currently producing, your toddler feels what it’s like to be heard and understood. Only then does the communication process begin to feel good to them. When you respond to all of your toddler’s communication, they begin to make the internal connections, “Wow, when I did that, I got this. That felt so good, I am going to do it again.”

The more you respond to all of your toddler’s communication, your toddler begins to feel the natural internal reward within your interactions. This is how your toddler’s desire to communicate will grow and uplevel naturally. This is how lasting and meaningful progress begins to happen, by meeting your toddler where they are, one tiny interaction at a time!
This approach moves communication from daily, pressure-filled interactions that don’t feel good for either of you to natural and meaningful interactions that foster connection. Your relationship with your toddler changes to one where so much more communication is possible!

Below are 5 tips to get started:

1. Shift your perspective from a constant focus on words, signs, or any specific communication expectation to recognizing that words are just one small piece in the overall communication process.
2. Remove all expectation, pressure, and prompting as you learn to understand how your toddler is already communicating with you.

   This means that you don’t require them to do anything except what they are doing to get what they want. You are not prompting in any way with “I want____” phrases or lots of modeling of the word with expectation.

   As you meet them where they are instead, by noticing and responding to the communication that they are currently giving you, you help them learn that the way they are communicating now has power. The only way that they can learn this power is by meeting them exactly where they are, right here and right now, over and over.

3. Watch your toddler. Pay attention to all of the communication that your toddler is already using. When they see that banana on the counter, do they lean in? Do they move closer? Do they look at the banana then look at you? Do they reach? Do they vocalize?

   Notice all of it, and recognize that all of it is communication that is as valuable as a word! Where your toddler is communicating now is the place where internal desire is emerging, and when you see it and respond to it, you are on the road to change.

4. Respond to their communication — whatever it is — quickly and with positivity. Respond as if they said a word! As soon as your toddler looks and reaches for that banana, you hand it to them, saying with a positive voice, something like, “Oh, you want the banana? Here it is!” With consistency, your toddler will begin to understand that communication can have power. This is the beginning of true progress!
5. Drop ALL expectations! It is so tempting to add in expectation after doing these steps. This means waiting for or expecting them to do something in response after you give them that banana and model the word. Watch out for this. You must practice dropping all expectations, otherwise your approach quickly reverts back to the pressure that was created from your old strategies.

When you trust this process and do it consistently, you will soon see that responding and modeling without pressure, prompting, or expectation will lead to your toddler’s desire to communicate naturally with you.

You are not waiting for them to do anything more after this exchange. You are simply letting them know you heard and understood them. You are responding to it quickly so they make the connection that it was their communication that got their need or desire met. That reach got me that banana.

This perspective shift is just one that we have our families make on the road to creating lasting and meaningful progress. It takes lots of practice as you move from one way of interacting with your toddler to a totally different one, but it’s so worth it.

As you picture typical interactions that you have with your toddler now, are your current strategies helping them feel the internal value and joy of connection and communication? More than likely, they are not.

The good news is that you can jump into using these five steps today and start to feel the difference for both you and your toddler. When you shift your perspective and approach, your toddler responds in a new way, and progress shifts. We see it every day in our coaching program. Communication progress happens by creating connection and joy, one tiny interaction at a time, and every interaction adds up to meaningful and lasting progress!