Parenting a Child with PDA

One parent provides insight into building a relationship with a child with pathological demand avoidance.

I have never been good at math. The moment I see numbers clustered together, I start itching like someone who has just undergone a few rounds with a mosquito. Seriously, who decided to mix the alphabet with numbers? Why does X need to equal Y?

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Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism

But amidst my aversion to numerical nonsense, I stumbled upon an equation that makes perfect sense, even to a “mathphobe” like me.

Autism + Environment = Outcome.

This gem from Dr. Luke Beardon has become my mantra in my relentless quest to be a better teacher and parent to my children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).

The magic of the right equation

Dr. Beardon’s equation underscores a crucial truth for parents on the spectrum: Behavior is always a symptom of something else. It’s a gentle reminder that our kids aren’t giving us a hard time—they’re having a hard time.

So, when people ask how I get my 13-year-old PDA daughter to do her chores, I tell them, “I don’t.” She does them because we’ve built a relationship where how I feel about her and her feelings about me truly matter.

The relationship factor

We are wired for relationships. When a mother is handed her newborn—red, slippery, and fresh from the womb—an overwhelming bond kicks in, motivating us to help our tiny human thrive.

My PDA daughter is no different. She thrives on intrinsic motivation. Praise and rewards are tricky because they can turn into demands. Instead, I focus on creating a safe, trusting relationship. I downplay the praise, but she hears it and internalizes it, boosting her self-worth more than any pocket money or other reward ever could.

Parenting PDA style

Is my daughter always eager to help? Absolutely not. She’s a teenager and the epitome of demand avoidance. But I offer her the connection she craves—constant hugs and “I love you” every 40 seconds. (I’ve considered recording myself to keep up.)

I am learning that it’s about being responsive to the ebb and flow of her needs and our capacities at any given moment.

The juggling act of diverse needs

Parenting my three children is like juggling flaming torches—each one requiring a different approach. My neurotypical daughter thrives on schedules and rewards. My 12-year-old son is a master masker, blending in so well that he doesn’t always realize when he’s fawning.

Each child demands a unique strategy, and I don’t always get it right. But what we do get right is the importance of our relationships. They know, and I know, that our bond is the foundation of everything.

A call for open conversations

My daughter suggested something she thinks would make her friends’ lives much easier. What if parents and teachers were not afraid to talk about neurodiversity and why certain children have concessions in schools?

My daughter attends a school for neurodiverse children. She says, “Everybody’s got something!” But she avoids leaving her class for “brain breaks” because it elicits many questions and proclamations of “Unfair! Why does she get a break?” The other children do not understand that some are allowed to have gum or use fidgets, and she is given a brain break.

She told me that she would far prefer the teacher to explain and discuss her PDA, why brain breaks are necessary, what sensory overload is, and why people stim. Many of the children in her class stim.

Stimming is a self-stimulatory behavior that helps calm our nervous systems and brains. I tend to tap my nails against each other or shake my leg up and down. My daughter chews things: gum, her hair, and her clothes.

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5 Great Ways to Better Connect with Your Child with Autism

The difference between neurodivergent and neurotypical stimming is that most neurodivergent people need to do it more. As a teacher, I understand that some forms of stimming can be very distracting in class.

I have a learner who needs to be heard as soon as a thought comes into his head—which is frequent. This disrupts and annoys his peers. So, I opened a Microsoft TEAM chat with him. Now, he can send me his ideas throughout the lesson, and I can respond without interrupting the rest of the class.

I am very open about neurodiversity at home. My son and my daughter may not understand all the intricacies of their diagnosis, but they do know their brains work differently from mine and their little sister’s. They are different, as are we all.

We need to discuss these things at home and in school to ensure our children feel safe and can learn in an understanding and supportive environment.

Understanding behavior and fostering relationships

Parenting on the spectrum is a rollercoaster ride of challenges and triumphs. It’s about understanding that our kids’ behaviors are signals, not defiance. It’s about fostering relationships where our children feel safe, valued, and intrinsically motivated.

So, while I may never solve for X without breaking into a sweat, I’ve found an equation that truly adds up in my world: Autism + Environment = Outcome. And that, fellow parents and teachers of our neurodiverse children, is a solution I can get behind.