Social Challenges for Girls – Autism Parenting Magazine

Recognizing autism in girls can provide understanding and support. 

When most people think about autism, they often picture what research and media have historically shown: a young boy, perhaps with restricted interests and limited eye contact.

Yet, here’s the uncomfortable truth: autism often looks entirely different in girls, and that difference is why so many of us go unnoticed and unsupported for far too long.

Autistic girls can blend in, adapt, and make themselves appear like their peers. They become masters of masking. While these subtle ways of fitting in may help in the moment, they often lead to misdiagnosis, late diagnosis, or worse, no diagnosis at all.

When these girls go without receiving an autism diagnosis, they have a greater risk of developing deep-rooted struggles. These often extend far beyond their childhood. 

Yet, we can support their journey, accepting who they are and helping them in a world not built for them.

Recognizing social challenges in autistic girls

Unlike many autistic boys, who may often outwardly struggle with social engagement, autistic girls usually slip under the radar. Their difficulties are no less real. However, they are simply hiding by masking their symptoms to fit in with their peers.

Where boys may isolate or display more obvious social avoidance, girls often become social chameleons. They might learn to mimic their peers’ behaviors, memorize scripts, or engage superficially. 

They can even appear to have friends, while those friendships may be only surface-level. While this works in the moment, in the long term, it leads to exhaustion and confusion. 

Even the most observant parents may overlook some of these signs:

• Social exhaustion after seemingly successful interactions: Meltdowns or shutdowns often happen once they are at home in their safe space.
• Selective mutism: They may speak openly at home but will go mute in unfamiliar or social situations.
• Deep interests masked as socially acceptable hobbies: Extreme interests in animals, art, dolls, or books that don’t raise red flags. However, they serve the same purpose as traditionally “niche” autistic interests.

Through camouflaging, they may seem to blend in better with society on the surface, but they still appear as “different” to their peers. They may be labeled as “quirky” or “shy”. 

For parents, they see a child who maintains her composure most of the time until she completely melts down.

The impact of masking

Masking—the double-edged sword. For autistic girls, it becomes survival.
From a young age, they learn, consciously or not, that authenticity can lead to rejection, confusion, or worse, exclusion.

So they adapt.

Autistic girls may:

• force themselves to make eye contact,
• practice “normal” facial expressions,
• suppress stimming behaviors,
• memorize social rules that they don’t intuitively understand.

While this can help them “pass” in society,  it is mentally and emotionally draining. Continued and long-term masking can lead to some of these consequences:

• Anxiety and depression, which can look like school avoidance, spells of sadness, skin picking, difficulty concentrating, or even changes in appetite.
• Chronic fatigue due to the amount of emotions and intention needed to maintain the camouflage.
• Loss of identity when creating a persona that differs from one’s true self, leading to confusion about what they are like without the mask.

The biggest issue with masking is that it often delays diagnosis. Without visible signs, girls are misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, or personality disorders long before autism is ever considered. This delay removes their chance at self-understanding and support during the early years.

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Later diagnosis and identity struggles

When autistic girls are diagnosed later in life, whether during adolescence or adulthood, it can have profound effects. 

Many have always felt “different,” but often lack an understanding of why, which can cause internalized self-blame. 

Their self-esteem can be damaged from years of wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I just be normal?” By the time they receive clarity, they may already struggle with anxiety, depression, or even trauma from navigating social landscapes blindfolded. 

Then there is the process of unmasking. Girls who are finally diagnosed must learn to separate their true selves from the mask they’ve worn for survival, which is a rough process. 

Without proper support, it can delay the formation of healthy relationships or the achievement of self-acceptance.

Navigating friendships and peer relationships

Friendships among girls can be both amazing and challenging, all in the same swipe. Unlike boys, whose play and interaction are more direct, female friendships often rely on subtle, unwritten social rules. 

For autistic girls, this landscape can be an absolute minefield to navigate.

• Social hierarchies constantly shift, leaving them to guess what went wrong and question all of the choices and interactions.
• Indirect communication and passive aggression confuse girls who prefer literal and honest exchanges. 
• Intense, all-consuming friendships can make them feel happy with their one friend, but that friend might feel isolated, wanting to maintain multiple friendships. This can lead to heartbreak as the friend moves away from the stressful relationship. 

And then there’s bullying.

Girls can be tough, noticing the slightest difference and pointing it out immediately. Even for those who mask, they often cannot keep up with that appearance and find themselves being bullied. 

Their genuine interests and passions can become sources of ridicule, while clothes that make them feel comfortable may be seen as odd.  

Unfortunately, autistic children are more often targeted. They can end up being hurt in the moment and feel alone and cautious about developing new friendships.

Practical strategies for parents

Parents can be their child’s number one advocate. Autistic girls need space and support that honors their neurodivergent needs without forcing them to conform to society’s standards.

Here’s how you can help:

• Create safe, judgment-free zones. At home, let them drop the mask. Encourage stimming, special interests, and honest communication with you.
• Teach social skills with consent and respect. Focus on helping them understand social cues and situations that have happened. 
• Build from strengths. Celebrate their passions, creativity, and unique problem-solving abilities. Show them how their uniqueness can empower them.
• Seek supportive peer environments. Clubs for their special interests, neurodivergent meetups, and inclusive activities can provide a safe space for socialization without pressure.
• Be their advocate. Ensure their teachers understand the nature of masking and are aware of their specific social challenges and need for flexibility. Push for accommodations such as an IEP or 504 plan that allow for authentic participation. 

Parenting autistic girls involves helping them carve their path while walking beside them on their journey.

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Accepting autistic girls as they are

The one undeniable truth: autistic girls deserve to be accepted exactly as they are, not despite their differences, but because of them.

They are resilient, insightful, creative, wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, and brave. 

Autistic girls live in a world that often misunderstands them, but we can support them by listening to them, advocating for them, and celebrating their strengths. 

When we understand their unique social journeys, we don’t just help them survive; we allow them to thrive.