The Hands That Hold My Face – Finding Cooper’s Voice

That tiny, angelic, little boy had turned my whole world completely upside down and inside out from day one.

I was exhausted when this picture was taken. I hadn’t slept through the night in 18 months. I was at an all time low weight. I had huge dark circles under my eyes. But most importantly, I was frantically trying to outrun an autism diagnosis. I was chasing doctors and therapies and coming up short. No matter what I did I couldn’t fix him or seem to make our lives easier. I felt like I was failing as a wife, a friend, an employee and a mother. My world was crashing down around me.

That is how I felt and if I close my eyes I can still feel that anxiety and stress.

Cooper is 14 years old now.

Last night he held my face in this exact same way. He had bumped his head and was crying alligator tears and needed a hug. Which I of course did.

I was holding him in my arms when he put his hands around my face and looked into my eyes.

I stared at his beautiful face and silently prayed that he would start talking to me. I did my quick beg, plead and prayer to God to keep him safe and then he pulled away and he was off to the next thing.

14 years I’ve been saying the same prayers.

Please let him talk to me.

Please keep him safe.

I looked at this picture today of my perfect 18 month old little boy and couldn’t help think of this wild ride we are on together. In so many ways he is still like an 18 month old.

So much has changed and yet so much is exactly the same. Time and aging are different for us I guess. Our future is unknown. And I know that he might be grabbing my face like that when I am an old woman and he is a grown man. I just don’t know.