Why Parents Should Embrace Failure to Build Independence

I recently caught myself demonstrating many of the characteristics of a so-called helicopter parent while spending time with my son, an energetic and assumingly neurotypical four-year-old.

I was hovering around him, interrupting his play, and offering unsolicited advice during what was supposed to be his free time. 

Like so many parents, I hoped creating boundaries would help enhance his play. I wanted him to use the toy “correctly.” I now realize that I was, in fact, stifling my son’s ability to think independently and express creativity.

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The risks of overprotection

This instinct is pure in its intent. No parent wants to see their child struggle. While we are motivated by a desire to help and protect, we must consider whether we are inadvertently undermining their confidence in their own ideas. 

I’ve seen up close the impact on young adults with autism and other cognitive challenges when they aren’t provided with enough opportunities to make their own way.

There’s no denying the heightened sense of uncertainty and fear that parents of neurodivergent children live with.

Many parents hold their children back from experiences neurotypical kids enjoy due to fear of overstimulation, leaving safe zones, or unpredictable interactions. Yet, when safety isn’t at risk, this often does more harm than good.

We see this infantilization (when one is treated like a child regardless of their age) taking place within society and going further than just unsolicited support.

Too often, I see a store employee talk to the caregiver but not the individual student, often due to a gross assumption that they can’t respond for themselves. This renders them invisible.

I observe the use of a particular tone of voice that differs from how the speaker communicates with others.

And, of course, I sometimes see parents participating in this behavior as well. They are stopping their child from responding to a store clerk, worried about what they might say. 

Ordering the meal for the young adult because they worry about how long it might take or the display of an auditory decision-making process. They even pick out the clothing that they think is acceptable to wear. 

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Encouraging growth through struggle

Yes, as parents, we know better. We are tasked with the responsibility of preparing our children for adulthood.

To help children grow, we must allow opportunities for risk-taking and accept that not every outcome will be perfect. More importantly, this builds a sense of agency and freedom, something every child deserves to experience..

A supportive learning environment helps set children up for success by allowing them to “fail.” This isn’t seen as failure, but as a productive struggle. 

Supportive adults, whether educators, therapists, or caregivers, avoid linking struggle to shame.

Instead, they focus on recognizing learning moments, understanding needed supports, and celebrating every win, big or small.

This approach builds agency, encourages decision-making, and promotes self-reflection.

Creating opportunities for independence

I urge parents and caregivers to create opportunities for productive struggle at home or out in the community. For example, allow your child to make a purchase independently at a store. See how it goes.

Reflect afterward on what went wrong, in addition to what went right. What decisions were made? Given another chance, what decisions would be made differently? And then, keep going. Try again.

And of course, we must narrow our view of productive struggle (and failure), and move into the “so-what” zone. So what if our kid is too chatty with a store clerk? So what if it takes them longer to order a meal?

So what if their outfit doesn’t match, or they hate shaving their beard and let it grow? Focus on the things that truly matter, the agency and experiences that will enable reflection and learning.

Shifting focus to strengths

Allowing for a productive struggle by empowering our children is easier said than done. Making space for the “so what” is just as hard, too. Often, this means a parent must repeatedly experience and endure feelings of shame. 

The first step is to understand and accept that these feelings are more about us than it is about our children. That is a separate issue.

The North Star shouldn’t be “How typical can I make my kid appear?” It should be “How can I encourage vulnerability and create conditions for them to have joy and to know that they’re growing?”

Parents of neurodivergent children are often under an immense amount of pressure and stress when it comes to helping their children thrive. I see you. It’s hard. 

A strengths-based approach can make a big difference for children. Many are already aware of what others believe they can’t do, but they may not recognize their own strengths.

By offering encouragement, creating consistency in daily routines, and focusing on what children can achieve, we help build confidence and promote growth.

Pause and reflect

The next time you’re unsure of whether your child will be able to do something that you think would be easier to do yourself, pause for a moment. Is this a “so what” moment?

Is this a moment to allow for a productive struggle? Allow yourself to ask questions of your child and they of you. Leave space for them to think about the task at hand and what it entails. Celebrate the process and reflect when it’s done.

Creating these supports, while time-intensive, provides your child with greater opportunities to strengthen skills that will support more independence in the long term.

For all of us, the best learning experiences are often the result of overcoming obstacles. The truth is, we must often get things wrong to eventually get them right. For both child and parent, this means tackling shame and allowing for feelings of vulnerability along the way.

This article was featured in Issue 154 — Soothing Sensory Needs

FAQs

Q: How do you help an autistic adult become independent?

A: Support autistic adults by teaching life skills in small, manageable steps while providing consistent routines and visual aids. Encouraging self-advocacy and offering access to vocational programs or supportive housing can also promote greater independence.

Q: Do autistic people struggle with independence?

A: Many autistic people can face challenges with independence due to difficulties with executive functioning, sensory sensitivities, or social communication. However, with the right support and accommodations, they can develop strong independent living skills.

Q: How do you help an autistic child become independent?

A: Helping an autistic child become independent involves breaking tasks into simple steps, using visual schedules, and building routines. Positive reinforcement and patience are key to encouraging gradual progress in self-care and decision-making skills.