Why Self-Compassion Is the Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Child

As we walk our autism journey together, let’s explore self-compassion, which serves as the cornerstone for transformation.

Transformation is the greatest gift we can give to our children and to ourselves.

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What is transformation?

Transformation is a lifelong process of diving more deeply into our hearts and living more and more in alignment with our true nature.

It is the process of dissolving the barriers around our hearts. Self-criticism is one of the biggest walls we erect around our hearts.

In my experience, both personally and with others, personal growth stalls without self-compassion.

I’ve learned that self-criticism runs rampant in most of us unless we intentionally shift into self-kindness. Harshness towards ourselves begins in our minds, with thoughts we often unconsciously choose to believe.

Our minds often operate like computers, regurgitating beliefs and ideas instilled in us. When we become aware of these hurtful thoughts, we can begin to dismantle them.

Self-critical thoughts

The core belief underlying self-critical thoughts is that “you are never enough” or that “something is wrong with you.” These core beliefs often stem from emotional wounds rooted in childhood.

We’ve been given these messages either directly or indirectly, and we internalize a belief of inadequacy as a defense against feeling the pain of our original wounding.

When we believe we’re not enough, our thoughts constantly try to prove it. Listening to our inner critic might seem like protection, but it only keeps us disconnected from who we truly are. How can we break down this wall of self-doubt and reconnect with ourselves?

Notice negative thoughts

We begin by noticing those self-critical thoughts we have throughout the day.

Identify and write down these negative thoughts about yourself. Notice how often you tell yourself you are lazy or not accomplishing enough.

You may tell yourself that you are too judgmental or incompetent, or you may believe you are not good enough as a parent or friend. You may believe you are a terrible parent or don’t do enough for your parents or friends.

After you read this, you may even criticize yourself for being too hard on yourself.

The mind is quite a trickster. It can use anything in our lives to prove and reinforce the core belief that we’re not enough or that something is inherently wrong with us.

Notice how often it tries to make its case. In addition to recognizing these self-critical thoughts, consider asking another person to tell you gently when you speak negatively about yourself.

Critical thoughts directed towards others, just like those aimed inward, have the same origin and are fueled by the same process.

When we find ourselves judging others, our judgments are a reflection of the wounds we carry within ourselves, projected outward.

Whether turned inward or outward, self-criticism and criticism of others are barriers to the deeper connection with our hearts. Either way, running from our hearts takes a lot of effort and energy.

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Determine the origin of negative thoughts

As you notice the recurring refrains of your inner critic, investigate the origin of these thoughts. Where did this thought come from? Whom did I hear this from first?

Recognizing that these thoughts didn’t originate in you can help you detach from their influence.

Allowing yourself to experience the original pain that you were unable to process when you were younger can create a deep healing and a significant shift in the recurring cycle of hurtful thoughts.

Question the negative thoughts

How can we unravel our critical thoughts once we become aware of them? You might begin by questioning your thoughts.

Ask yourself: “What if I’m wrong? Can I know for sure that this is true?”

Write a counterthought

Next, create and write down a compassionate counterstatement that is the opposite of your original thought.

For instance, if the thought arises, “You are a terrible mother,” replace it with, “You are a wonderful mother.”

The mind will likely be persistent in defending the validity of the original thought. “No, I am terrible. I lost my patience with Saachi this morning and yelled at her!”

Set aside these negative ‘proofs,’ and write down three reasons that support your new affirming thought. In this case, three reasons why you are a wonderful mother.

By consciously creating a kind and nourishing belief system, you gradually shift away from reinforcing old, demeaning beliefs.

You may not believe the loving thought yet, but this is only because of all the attention and weight you have given the self-critical thought in the past.

It may take time to unwind the momentum of your old investment and belief in the hurtful thought.

Confront the inner critic

You can also confront your inner critic head-on. Tap into your inner strength, pull out your Mama- or Papa-bear, and stand up for yourself just as you would advocate for your child.

Similarly, ask yourself if you would ever speak such harsh words to anyone else. Looking at our thoughts through this lens can startle us to recognize how cruel and hurtful our self-critical thoughts can be.

We often treat ourselves much worse than we would ever treat another person.

Meditate

Loving-kindness meditation is another powerful antidote to self-criticism.

This form of mindfulness involves repeating phrases to yourself, such as, “May I be happy. May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be peaceful.”

Be determined, persistent, and gentle with yourself as you shift from self-criticism into self-kindness. You are reprogramming your brain and exercising muscles that have rarely gotten a workout.

When we unravel our harsh thoughts, we forge new neural pathways in our brains. These new ‘thought pathways’ are healthier and create an internal environment that fosters an opening to the tenderness and love we all are at our core.

Our kind ‘thought pathways’ are paths home to our hearts.

Connect to self

We wash away the harshness that obstructs our connection with our true selves with kindness and gentleness.

When we cultivate compassion for ourselves, our compassion and kindness naturally extend to others, creating a ripple effect in the world.

Our shift into self-kindness is a tremendous gift to ourselves, our children, and the entire world.

FAQs

Q: What is self-care in parenting?

A: Self-care in parenting means taking intentional time to care for your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It helps parents recharge so they can better support and nurture their children.

Q: What is self-care as a mom?

A: Self-care as a mom involves making space for activities that relax, restore, and energize you. This can include rest, hobbies, social connections, or simply moments of quiet away from daily demands.

Q: What are five examples of self-care?

A: Five examples of self-care are taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk, reading a book, practicing meditation, and spending time with supportive friends. These activities promote relaxation and help reduce stress.

Q: How can parents take care of themselves?

A: Parents can take care of themselves by setting boundaries, asking for help, making time for enjoyable activities, and maintaining healthy habits like exercise and sleep. Prioritizing self-care leads to more patience and resilience in parenting.

Q: How can parents prioritize self-care?

A: To prioritize self-care, parents can schedule short daily breaks, plan regular alone time, and communicate their needs to family members. Treating self-care as essential rather than optional helps maintain balance and well-being.

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