Communicating with autistic children – Autism Parenting Magazine

Caregivers often focus on building their children’s communication skills, but here’s why it’s also vital for parents to ensure their own instructions are clear.

Any parent will recognize times when an instruction given or a question asked of their child has not been responded to in the expected way, if at all! When communicating with an autistic child, it is all the more important to consider whether what we think we’ve asked is clear. Unclear communication can cause unnecessary frustration for both you and your autistic child.

When questions or instructions are misunderstood, or even completely incomprehensible, it can add to a child’s anxiety. So how can we address this? By adapting your language and communication style through simple steps, you can make interactions with your child easier and more effective.

The burden is all too often on the autistic child to learn what response is expected and make changes to ‘fit in’ to a neurotypical world, but communication is a shared responsibility. As allistic (non-autistic) people, we can—and should—look at the way we communicate, and adjust it to better suit autistic children.

In this article, we focus on questions and instructions and give ten practical tips for making them clearer. Of course, every autistic person is different, so it is important to learn from your individual child and what works best for them. However, these tips, contributed to by autistic adults, can make a real difference and ultimately benefit everyone in your family.

Top tips for clearer questions and instructions

1. Keep instructions and questions short and manageable

Less is more! Avoid overwhelming your child with too much language or information to process. Ask yourself what the important message is, and try to keep to the point

2. Avoid unnecessary words

Consider the words that don’t add any meaning to your message, and may cause confusion. Examples of these are ‘filler words’ such as: I mean, to be fair, actually, you know, to be honest

3. Allow processing time where needed

Remember to pause after asking a question or giving an instruction. As a general rule, give at least 10 seconds processing time, though more or less may be needed depending on your child, how regulated they are, the environment, and how familiar the context. It can take time for autistic people to process information, so if you don’t get a response straight away, don’t always assume that you haven’t been heard or are being ignored

4. Begin with the name of the person you’re talking to

Instructions such as “Put your shoes on!” called out as you’re getting ready to leave the house may be ignored by an autistic child. Some autistic children will not realize the instruction is directed at them if their name isn’t included. A simple adjustment like: “Samira, put your shoes on,” can make all the difference.

5. Use the same words when you repeat instructions

Don’t feel pressured to fill the silence by repeating a question or instruction too quickly. Your child might be working really hard in that silence to process and filter what has been said and how to respond. If you do need to repeat the instruction, use the same words, unless it is apparent that the child does not understand them.

Introducing a new language means the child may have to go right back to the beginning of reprocessing what has been asked, taking even longer to understand and respond. Only rephrase instructions if there is still confusion, and again, remember to give processing time.

6. Avoid multiple questions or instructions

In everyday speech, we often end up asking a series of questions in one go:. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Or do you want to eat later? For some autistic children, this can be overwhelming, with far too much language to process at the same time.

They may also just answer the last question and ignore the first ones. This is the same with multiple instructions, so always break down lengthy instructions into small, manageable steps. Always try to pause after asking a question or giving an instruction, and check if it has been understood (through what the child says or does) before adding more. How much this is needed and is useful depends on the child and their needs in that moment (anxiety/stress levels), and context (e.g., environment, familiarity of the instructions, and their relationship with who is making the request).

7. Prioritize instructions according to importance

Be clear about what is expected and the amount of time and effort that is reasonable to achieve it. Be careful about the language you use, as vague expressions such as “in a bit”, “for a while”, “later” can be unhelpful for autistic children who may feel anxious not knowing exactly what is expected of them and by when. Try to use more specific time expressions. Instead of saying, “Put your game away, you can play it later,” you could say, “Put your game away, you can play after dinner.”

8. Where possible, instructions should be about ‘what to do’ rather than ‘what not to do’

Another potential challenge for your autistic child is the use of negatives in instructions. “Don’t take your phone to school,” could easily be heard as: “Take your phone to school,” because take, phone, and school are the key words in the sentence. Telling your child to “Leave your phone at home” is much clearer.

9. Use visual aids to make instructions clearer

Many autistic children find visual information easier to process and retain than purely spoken information. You can add visual support to your instructions through pictures, symbols, or lists, as well as through using digital technology such as smartphones, tablets, and laptops.

10. Use short, direct question forms (Can you/Will you/Do you/What is/Where is, etc.)

We often use indirect language when asking questions. For example: “You haven’t seen my keys, have you?” This can be confusing for some autistic children as it is harder to filter and process what is being asked, and to formulate an expected response. Where possible and appropriate, try to use a simple, direct form for questions such as: “Where are my keys?”

Please note, however, that this may not always be the best approach for some autistic children and young people, particularly when their anxiety levels are already very high. This can affect their ability to tolerate real and perceived expectations, and they may not be able to cope with direct instructions. Instead, at these times, always give the child space and time to self-regulate. Soften or make indirect requests, and offer choices so that they feel they have some control and autonomy.

Summing-up

As the above shows, the most important thing to remember is that every child is different, including how they best communicate and process information, and that this will vary with context. Everybody’s use of language is instinctive, but with these tips, and by making some small adjustments, we can all become clearer, fairer, and more effective communicators with autistic children and young people.