Encouraging Your Special Needs Child into Varied Activities

A mom shares the reasons why she encourages her autistic son to take part in a wide range of activities.

I tell people often how tired I am from pushing. Sometimes the weight becomes too much for me and I collapse. I’m so exhausted. Who or what am I pushing? I’m pushing my kid to try, to keep failing in hopes of that win. I’m pushing him constantly to be a part of a team and to socialize.

Kids with autism don’t always want to try these things. My son sometimes acts out and makes trying new things difficult but I keep pushing him into things that he doesn’t yet ask to try out. I have been doing this all his life. These things don’t come easy for him unlike his desire for reading, art, jumping, bouncing, and making all sorts of noise.

I keep pushing him, I keep pushing his education, I keep pushing his therapists, I push everyone and everything. They probably want to run away when they see me and for that I’m truly sorry. But pushing for new goals is critical. It’s important for my son because his gains have been miraculous, and it’s important for everyone who works with my son, because they too have changed and improved as educators.

I’ve learned through persistence

So pushing has kind of paid off not just for us but for other children who might have been ignored or told they couldn’t accomplish certain goals. That brings me great joy. If our small steps have helped other special needs families, I feel really fulfilled.

When you become a special needs parent, I truly believe you become a parent to every special needs child you meet. That child you see in the shared therapy office is your child. It’s a strange but beautiful new family you inherit. In today’s divided world where there is so much anger, it’s a blessing that special needs families feel this connection to others who are so different, yet all a part of this special community. We need to see more of this in the world, searching for similarities instead of highlighting differences.

One of my son’s first speech therapists, Tom, told me something amazing that changed my perspective on life. He said: “Your son taught me just as much as I taught him.” I remember how precious those words were to me. I was so vulnerable at that time, back then I had no clue where we would be in five or ten years. But in that moment, when he graciously shared those words, I felt truly blessed. My child changed someone’s life in some small way. That was really beautiful. He still wasn’t on grade level, or performing like a typical kid, but he had changed someone’s life.

I realized in that moment that my child had a different purpose here on earth. It changed how I felt about making moves forward. Was it the journey or the destination that mattered? Maybe it really was all about the journey we were on together. I think I released a lot of my previously held expectations about parenting and what that really meant.

Every year, I tell each teacher the following when my son arrives in their classroom. I say: “My son will change your life. He will teach you to be better than you ever imagined you would be.” It happens every year and in the beginning they all look at me with that: “Oh, sure!” kind of expression. But come June, his teachers thank me for my child. Again, I feel blessed each and every year when I hear those beautiful and generous words. My pushiness is doing something.

Pushing our kids, pushing our educators, and pushing each other into uncomfortable situations is very important. In fact, I have pushed myself as a mother many, many times on this autism adventure and I too have grown immensely. I continue to grow each and every day that I watch my son change. I still have a really long way to go and I am humbled when I see mothers like my aunt who have had to push way harder and way longer than I have. I’m tired but I’m still here, still pushing.

I push my way into the parent-teacher association (PTA), sports, talent shows, dance groups, church groups, and other activities and groups in my community. I come in with a different voice and I’m not afraid to share our unique perspective.

“Here’s that special needs mom again! Here she comes! Run!” It probably makes some people feel uncomfortable but our presence is very important. If we don’t have special needs parents on the PTA or in these groups, we won’t know how to meet the needs of these families. We need all voices represented on our PTA and other organizations so that all kinds of unique voices can be heard.

This is especially important for the children who can’t speak for themselves. If you don’t see someone like yourself on the PTA, you need to get your butt in there! Is it uncomfortable at first? Yes! But if you don’t share your voice, your perspective, and your experience as a human being, no one will learn about your journey and be offered the opportunity to change. Give people the chance to change and grow. It’s a remarkable gift.

Likewise, pushing your kids into activities they don’t necessarily want to experience is important. A lot of people say things like: “Oh, we can’t go to (whatever activity) and stand or sit for an hour or two because our child does this or does that.” This is often true, especially in the beginning. But once you keep going, as you keep trying new things and allow things to happen slowly, you might be pleasantly surprised. I have seen children change in subtle but remarkable ways

The rewards outweigh the sweat

Sometimes our own fears and opinions will negatively impact our children’s performance. I remember this specifically from my days as a teacher. I had to say the opposite of what I truly felt. I hated teaching math. So I remember saying things like: “Ok, class, today I’m going to teach you the most amazing lesson!” They all stared at me with eyes wide open. I learned to spin everything! My students thought I loved math but I truly hated it. I had faked it until I made it. Once it was over, I realized that lesson wasn’t so bad after all. I got through this thing I hated with a passion. I still hate math.

Fast forward to the present: “Hey, guys, let’s put on these super cute masks and get to school! It’s so much fun being a superhero!” Inside I might feel differently but it wouldn’t be fair to share my jaded perspective with my children. Especially now. I have to push myself into thinking how much fun each day has been during the Covid pandemic. Has it been fun? No. But I can’t say that out loud because no one will accomplish or learn anything in my home if I do. Instead, it’s three cups of coffee and let’s do this, kids!

I am a believer in trying everything even with children who have a harder time learning. Try everything many times before you say it didn’t work. I know for us it took a lot of trying to overcome certain things like sleep training and learning to multiply.

But somehow we have overcome all of these things that at one time had completely DEFEATED our family to the point of collapse. And had I not kept going, we would never be where we are today—trying absolutely everything with so much joy. It’s so much better and easier because we haven’t given up on things I once wasn’t sure we could overcome.

Push yourself. Push your kids to keep doing things that seem impossible. Go back and revisit something you thought might never be possible because it’s always worth another try or a 100 more tries if you can find the energy. I believe we are all stronger than we know. Keep believing in the impossible for our remarkable children.