From School to Home: Advice from a Psychotherapist

A look at ways to support your child’s transition from school to home during breaks from education.

We often think children are really excited and happy about breaks from school, but the end of the school year or spring break are often a tricky, emotional time for children and their families, especially for those with autism. Many of these children really feel “held together” by the school routine and the predictability of events and contacts, and losing it means a whole re-set of life, as well as feelings of discomfort.

For children who have already had difficult experiences of loss and saying goodbye, the end of the school year is particularly troubling. It may mean leaving behind a well-loved teacher or staff member who has taken time to support them.

The past couple of years, with most students spending a significant amount of time home learning, children have missed out on aspects of the school year they may have been looking forward to—particularly the regular rituals of sports days, school fairs, and picnics. Those important markers of the year have disappeared!

As a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I suggest parents make a deliberate point of noticing changes in the school year. For many neurodivergent young people, switching life patterns is like going over the points of a diverted train—lots of rattling and bumping!

Acknowledge the change

It may be helpful to acknowledge this out loud by talking about the end of the school year and the start of the holidays. Young people benefit from clear visual calendars—include photos of which friends and family (and their pets!) might visit during the break. Neurodiverse young children may have a whole range of ways they can figure out the differences; from photos, to music and songs, and even wearing the “holiday T-shirt”.

The important thing here is that everyone is given a chance to notice, and name, their feelings about it all—even the negative ones.

Notice your child’s behavior

When children are a bundle of mixed feelings, they will often cut to the easy answer of “I’m fine,” but might display other behaviors which suggest they are not happy. Trust your “gut instinct” as a parent when this happens. If the child doesn’t appear fine, check again and keep observing.

• Some children do much better with giving their views through numbers. For example, ask: “How are you feeling, if zero is your worst and 10 is your best?”
• Ask your child what was the best thing about the class they are leaving, and what are they happy to leave behind? Who will they miss most as they say goodbye?
• Maybe use your own experience: “I used to love the summer break, but I was SO sad leaving middle school and even a bit nervous about what high school might be like.”

Listen to what your child says

It is then important to accept what your child actually says. For example, looking forward to the new year, they might say: “I don’t want to go back to school!” or “Next year will be rubbish!” It is important that their parents don’t simply contradict them. Don’t say things like, “No, it’ll be great. You’ll see your friends!” or “Mrs. Johnson will be there!” or “You’re moving up into a new grade, how exciting.”

Instead it’s best to acknowledge the feeling by saying something simple like: “I’m glad you told me that; tell me a bit more about how you feel.” Stay with the difficult feeling rather than trying to “fix” it straight away. Once the issues have been explored, children can then be reminded of some of the things that they may have to look forward to or feel hopeful about.

How can you prepare children for transitions?

• Most schools have good systems in place for letting children know what class they will be moving into after a break, but if you are uncertain you could ask the teachers. This way, you will be able to help think with your child about the new classroom/teacher coming up
• Some schools have a policy of mixing up the children in a class each year; other schools do it less frequently. Either way, you may need to help your child understand this and allow them to share any worries about who they will be with
• You may want to visualize, draw, or play out the new classroom with your child. With older children it may be important to plan journeys and prepare them in practical ways to increase their confidence
• Many neurodiverse young people find it useful to walk around the new school or perhaps near the gates or the playground, so they can get a feel of how things might be in the new term
• Talk to your child about the change so they are prepared, and be curious about their feelings. Younger children might also need some help with the idea of mixed feelings. Parents can talk about how children might feel both happy and worried at the same time
• If there are opportunities to keep in touch with friends over the school break, this is likely to be helpful for children, as it keeps them connected with school relationships

What to look out for if my child is struggling?

Younger children often show that they are struggling by changes in their behavior. If you have a child who’s having difficulty sleeping, is bedwetting again, saying they have a lot of physical symptoms such as headaches and tummy aches, having bad dreams, or seeming more irritable, tearful, or clingy, you’ll want to figure out what this is all about. These symptoms may recede as the child settles into the break, but they may warrant further discussions with your child’s teacher or doctor.

With older children and teenagers, signs that they are struggling emotionally present in a different way. You see things like low mood and irritability. Teenagers can often be irritable, so it isn’t always obvious they are depressed.

Another key alarm signal is losing interest in things they used to enjoy. If this is caused by a change of mood, it tends to be ongoing. Again, it is important to be curious about your child’s feelings and allow them to explore any worries they may have. For teens with autism, it may be helpful to have a “changeover moody day” and allow them to just process the transition. Then, as we did in the lockdowns, make plans for activities and draw up a calendar to help give shape to what can seem like an endless desert of uncertainty.

Looking back to acknowledge what has just passed is a helpful base for moving towards looking forward. Parents can then build the pattern, plan for the period away from school, and be prepared for the transition to the next phase.