How To Safely Give Your Child The Gift Of Failure

A guide to assist parents in surrendering control and encouraging their ASD children to make their own choices.

As an educator, I feel tremendously in-tune with children and their needs. I believe that intuition stems from the luxury of being removed from day-to-day parenting. Having distance between me and a child gives me time to recharge and look at situations with fresh eyes.

At times, my heart breaks for parents. Parenting in 2021 stretches far beyond difficult: add a cup of managing a household while working full time through COVID, a quarter cup of fear of emotionally damaging a child, a pinch of raising at least one additional child, and often add in a dash of single-parenting. Mix it all together with unrealistic Instagram photos and unreasonable expectations and the resulting recipe produces a beautifully decadent cake of guilt with some icing of shame covering it.

With all of that staring parents in the face, it’s no wonder they actively work to protect and shelter their children. The problem, though, is that when a child is classified as “high-functioning” autistic, protection and sheltering can sometimes cause a dangerous dependence on a parent.

The child will eventually avoid solving their own problems, and may rely solely on a parent for emotional regulation and problem-solving. What’s worse, the child will subconsciously resent the parent for not solving the problem “properly” and may act out, unable to express their wants and needs clearly.

One could argue that children with this classification actually require opportunities to create the coping skills they will need for the future. In reality, all children must fail. They must be placed in situations where they feel frustrated, and they must have the same experiences that created the Einsteins, the Walt Disneys, the Oprahs, and the Jim Carreys.

Taking away the opportunity of feeling inadequate, or failing at a task, could have long-term results that inhibit the ability to operate independently when the children are cognitively and emotionally able to. This holds true regardless of whether the child has a formal classification or not.

Below are suggestions to support the process of relinquishing control by creating a safe and organized opportunity for “high-functioning” autistic children to create coping skills they will need in the future:

1. When safety is not a concern, try not to react strongly when your child makes a claim

• Begin with: “First, I believe you.” or “First, I am so sorry you are going through this.”
• You may have to expand this step to include: “I want to help you, but you will need to gather your thoughts first. I know you are upset, and I promise I will help you, but I cannot help you while you are…”

2. Continue with a clarifying statement: “Please help me understand, are you saying….

• Your teacher yelled at you without cause?
• The grade you received for an assignment you worked your hardest on was unfair?
• Your friend stole something from you without cause?
• Your sibling _ you without cause?
• You feel it is unfair that you must __?

3. Ask the child to explain the full story now that the groundwork is laid out. Perhaps the other party did have cause for what happened and your child wasn’t able to make the link without hearing the facts repeated.

4. Finish with a clarifying request that clearly defines the problem as the child’s and not the adult’s. This ensures that the child is able to grow into ownership while feeling supported: “How can I help you?” or “What can I do to help you solve your problem?”

Summing-up

By verbally placing responsibility for the problem and its solving back on the child, they will learn to develop strategies before coming to the ultimate problem solver—the parent. Additionally, asking for direction on how to solve the problem allows the child to feel supported in a way they need.

Especially in the beginning, the child may take on too much responsibility, or attempt to solve the problem in an inappropriate way. It may require the addition of a reward system or frequent verbal reminders. This will take time to develop.

Growth stems from failure, though, and growth is a gift.