Parenting on Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

A parenting coach and cognitive specialist shares her top tips for co-parenting a child on the autism spectrum.

As a child, I was very much an observer of things. I don’t know if I was born with this ability, or whether it’s a default characteristic of being the youngest child, either way I was a people watcher. Attending grad school for behavior was a natural fit; I’ve been doing it my entire life, so it only fitted to learn the name behind the classical conditioning I was doing as a child.

When I became a parent, I wanted to make sure that my child didn’t pick up my gift and figure out our family’s parenting weaknesses. As I’m a parenting coach and mother-of-two, my husband now naturally defers to me when it comes to parenting. He has his input, but for the most part, he defers to me. This was not always the case in the beginning, and it is probably not the case for most parents.

To make things even more interesting, we have one child on the autism spectrum and another who is not. Parenting them differently is a challenge all on its own. They both have such different needs, and as parents we both had different approaches on tending to those needs. What happens when both parties want to do what they think is best and their best idea is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum?

Pre-parenting life and expectations

Becoming a parent happens overnight, mid-afternoon, or early morning; whenever your child makes their appearance, you are suddenly a parent. Rarely would you have proper training in parenting. Most importantly, you will not have experience in parenting a child on the spectrum; that can only happen with time.

Having previous experience with children and being around kids can certainly help with the process. Still, what I learned is not the same as making the difficult choices you are presented with when you become a parent.

When we brought our son home, I realized how different our child-rearing practices were. It was during the conversation of co-sleeping vs. sleep training, that we found ourselves at odds with each other.

When you are dating, life is bliss. You are mainly focused on yourself and you don’t really have to factor in anyone else. I am often asked: “Why didn’t my partner tell me this when we were dating?” Some people felt like they were deceived because the dating person does not match the parenting person. I often remind couples that they weren’t lied to, rather most of us are entirely unaware of the type of parents we’ll become. Furthermore, you are a different parent because you probably imagined yourself parenting a neurotypical child, you most likely did not foresee parenting a neurodiverse child .

Most people expect their future children to behave in a manner similar to themselves as children. How you were as a child and how your spouse behaved is not going to be the same. Talk openly about the parenting expectations that you have and acknowledge that it may be different to your co-parent’s expectations. Not better or worse, but just different.

History of your upbringing

It is important to recognize some of the parenting techniques, strategies, or ideas from your childhood. The adult you are today is a combination of what happened to you, good or bad. All those experiences shaped and molded you into the person you are today. Your childhood shapes you; people tend to either do what they saw, the opposite, or something in between. There’s a comfort in doing what is familiar; repeating certain habits from your childhood is normal.

When it comes to joint parenting, remember you did not have the same experiences as your partner in parenting. The memories, traditions, and beliefs that are so important to you may not be significant for your partner (or co-parent), which makes parenting complicated. If your co-parent disagrees with the way you want to parent, it may not be an attack on how you were raised but such disagreements may require further explanation.

Communication is always done best when individuals are open-minded and want to learn more. Be open to what the other person is sharing and listen to where they are coming from and what that they are trying to teach you. Avoid being dismissive, which can cause a person to shut down and become guarded.

Parenting warning signs

Joint parenting requires that you recognize your triggers. Triggers live within our subconscious, and you may not even be aware of how triggers from your childhood shape your parenting.

When a parent addresses a child’s behavior and they are told that their reaction was too harsh, that parent might be triggered by such words—they may not understand where the other parent is coming from. Before responding to each other, take some time to process all relevant information and ask yourself, am I reacting like this because of what my child has done, or because of something from my childhood? A young child is not trying to challenge you, they are merely doing what children are designed to do, making mistakes and learning. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I responding out of an emotional feeling or a real-life danger possibility? 
• Can this wait for a later time after I cool down before I respond? 
• Will my response help my child’s emotional growth or create an emotional gap between us?

When you ask these questions, you can have a conversation with your co-parent and discuss a plan to be on the same page. You can navigate and manage triggering situations together to become a more cohesive unit.

Making changes

It is helpful to have open conversations without judging the other parent and assuming that your parenting is the only way. Just like a marriage, parenting techniques can be blended into something that will work for both individuals, but most importantly, something that will work best for your child.

It is possible that you are not going to agree, no matter how hard you may try. Reaching common ground may not be attainable; when this happens, it is probably best to seek an objective third party opinion to help you learn about the commonalities you share, and how to grow together as parents. A trained professional may help you reach commonality vs common ground.

Having a child on the autism spectrum is challenging but rewarding. The challenges happen daily, but the rewards are endless. Being on the same page about your parenting makes this journey more enjoyable