Practicing Grace in Communication: Interacting with Individuals on the Spectrum

An autistic author shares some observations and advice for better, more empathetic communication with autistic people of all ages.

Dictionary.com describes normativity as “of or relating to a norm, especially an assumed norm regarded as the standard of correctness in behavior, speech, writing, etc.” The concept of normativity is quite complex. Overall, it involves the application and prescription of norms and the way we label some actions acceptable and permissible, and others unacceptable and impermissible. It has to do with spoken and unspoken rules of a culture, such as the “ought to do” and “ought not to do” during a conversation.

A video producer recently explained to me how he’d almost put a well-known autistic person in a (metaphorical) box of “don’t work with again” because at first, she’d seemed “difficult.” He based his evaluation on the fact that Temple Grandin had experienced noise sensitivity during a sound check and admitted that once he realized Grandin was autistic, he understood and was more forgiving.

This producer’s story is but one example of how cultural norms affect perspective and social interactions. When we understand the concept of normativity, we can more easily pick apart the bias and expectations all of us bring to social interactions. We can also analyze the way social norms directly relate to the autistic experience.

To foster beneficial interactions with individuals on the autism spectrum, consider the perspective of the person who is autistic and living in today’s Western society. From his/her viewpoint, our cultural norms can prove daunting and discouraging.

Numerous autistics regard small talk as a dreaded ordeal. Most would prefer to dive into topics “that matter.” Run-of-the-mill social interactions—half-truths, lies, passive statements, manipulation, social games, out-of-place niceties, and “beating around the bush”—discourage many people, and especially those with an autism spectrum condition (ASC) profile.

Events in which an individual is expected to blend in and present as “normal enough” are toilsome. One’s posture, chosen topic of interest, or tendency to dominate a conversation can be barriers to social connection. An autistic person’s likelihood to logically counter an idea or find that small flaw or anomaly can lead to conflict and reproach.

Challenges with pragmatic language skills sometimes result in literal interpretation. To demonstrate: someone may say “I saw the light” and mean that he/she finally understood something. But to an autistic person, the phrase might bring up images of looking at a lightbulb. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, an off-topic comment, or word choice—all could lead to misjudgment. All in all, when others are not open-minded to a different way of being, the act of socializing, even in total silence, can feel psychologically damaging.

Those on the spectrum don’t typically recognize the subtleties and salient features of communication with others. . Some autistics think in pictures, a trait that proves challenging when trying to comprehend an abstract concept mentioned in passing. There are also the unspoken rules that come with how one is supposed to react and respond when someone is feeling upset or distressed.

Conversations can be exhausting. Those on the spectrum exert great effort in trying to relate to another person’s experience. I adore my oldest son. His visits from out-of-town are the highlight of my month. That being said, by day two, I’m exhausted. I can only socialize for so long, even with the most important people in my life.

Other factors that affect communication include: auditory processing disorder, synesthesia, getting lost in scaffolding of fragments of a conversation, sensory processing, uninvited and uncomfortable thoughts, and not knowing what to say or how to respond.

Many individuals on the spectrum have a tenacious moral makeup and high levels of empathy. Marcia Eckerd, a licensed psychologist, writes: “An autistic person often has such a strong feeling for what’s right that he would put that before his own interests.” When I feel mass amounts of empathy, the experience can lead to emotional overwhelm and mental confusion. I require time to decipher my emotional state. I need space to logically process what aspects of newly acquired information are important to retain, and how new information fits in with my prior learning.

The majority of autistic people want to do right by others and have a yearning for social justice. More often than not, they would risk reputation and friendship over doing the wrong thing. Most autistics also have deep wells of emotions. “The myth that all autistic people lack empathy is just that, a myth,” shares Eckerd. “And the whole business of empathy is much more complex than a superficial assumption of who does and doesn’t have it. Autistic people can be more empathic in some ways than neurotypicals” (Eckerd, 2021, Psychology Today article).

By taking time to consider the perspective of autistics in relation to society and analyze societal norms, we enable ourselves to approach interactions with increased levels of grace and ease. A second means to foster beneficial interactions is to implement daily strategies for effective communication.
Five communication considerations for autistics of all ages

Five communication considerations for autistics of all ages

#1 Change: Prepare for change before it happens. Explain the reason behind change. Provide ample opportunity to adjust and transition. Explain the big picture. Try your best to keep events as scheduled. Try not to perceive resistance as rudeness or a show of defiance. Separate behavior from the person.

#2 Chores: Provide clear expectations. Use anchor words such as top priority or important. Provide the why behind requests. Avoid subtleties. Give exact times: “The goal is to have that done by Thursday at 11 a.m.” Avoid implied meaning: “I sure hope that room is getting cleaned, as expected.” Understand it’s difficult to read between the lines and uncover implicit meaning. Break large requests down into smaller tasks. Point out why certain tasks or components of tasks are more important than others. “It’s important to take the garbage out before starting your homework.” Ask if a request is needed in writing. “Do you want me to write this on a Post-It note, as a reminder?” Ask if your instructions were clear enough.

#3 Engagement:Utilize key phrases such as: “I’d like to hear more about that. Can you provide more detail? Do you have any suggestions for … ?” Validate and allow opportunity for reflection and continued discussion. “What I hear you saying is …”  “I’m confused. Can you give me an example?” 

#4 Encourage: Focus on the positive. Avoid nitpicking. Provide critical feedback in private. Don’t rush to criticize. If constructive criticism can wait a week or two, then wait; in the meantime, keep a running mental note of things the person is doing well and reevaluate if it’s a criticism worth sharing.

#5 Humility: Ask how you could be a better communicator. Talk about times you’ve struggled, how you overcame things, what you’re still working on. Ask for feedback on how you give feedback.