Understanding Autism and Divorce: Essential Strategies for Parents

Divorce is a very tricky ordeal for families, especially for children on the spectrum. Here are ways you can ease the process for your autistic child.

No matter what the dynamics of your family are, divorce is a difficult time for everyone. It is even more so when there are children involved. Since children do not completely understand all the aspects that went into the decisions of their parents to divorce, they will face a range of emotions. They may feel the spectrum of feelings from anger to sadness, disappointment to guilt.

As parents, it is our job to help them navigate this confusing time as best as possible. Most importantly, we need to recognize and acknowledge all the emotions they are feeling during this time. It is important to minimize the impact on the child as much as possible.

As mentioned, divorce is hard for any child, but can be especially hard for autistic children. They will feel all the emotions every child may feel, but they may have a more difficult time voicing their anxieties.

If your child has a specialist or teacher who helps them at home or at school, it is important to let them know what is going on so that they can look for any changes in your child’s behavior. If you do not have a therapist for your child, you should consider looking into one who specializes in autism.

Speaking with an expert will help you and the other parent find the best approach to tell your child and create a plan moving forward. They also can provide helpful resources for your family.

Allow them to feel

The reaction of a child to divorce will vary from child to child. There is no right or wrong way for them to feel. You need to allow your child to react.

This is true especially for children with autism who may not express themselves in ways that you would expect. For example, your child may laugh and find the situation humorous. They may be very angry and blame one parent more than the other. It is also possible for them to not react at all. It may not be until one parent actually moves out that they begin to understand what is happening

Reassure your child

It is also vital to reassure your child that both you and their other parent still love them. Children often blame themselves for the divorce. They think if they were different or better behaved, their parents would never fight and would not be divorcing.

While you do not need to give your child the specific reasons why you are divorcing, make sure they understand it is not their fault. Help them understand that love from both their parents will never change towards them, and that there is nothing they did to cause the divorce. You should also ensure they understand there is nothing they can do that will change the outcome. They need to fully comprehend that the divorce has nothing to do with them.

Answer their questions

Make sure you answer all their questions. Again, you do not need to go deep into the details of what caused the divorce, but do answer their questions honestly. It is very important that you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse do not speak negatively of the other parent. A child may be looking for a clear side to take, so it is important that you present a united front.

Communication is essential. This is a brand-new experience for them, and the unknown is scary. Ease their fears by helping them know what to expect. Let them know they can come to you anytime with any questions they have.

Keep a routine

Routine, routine, routine! As a parent of an autistic child, you understand more than anyone how important keeping a routine is. Things like following a specific bedtime ritual or putting clothes on a certain way each time keep them comfortable. During a divorce, this is more crucial than ever.

While you and your spouse may not end on the best terms, nothing should be more important than making the transition as seamless as possible. You and your soon-to-be former spouse need to come up with a routine that can be managed in both homes.

When the child knows the routine, and it does not change from house to house, it will help them throughout the day. This will also help lessen the anxiety your child is feeling. They will see that while some things have changed, their day-to-day activities can stay the same.

Consistent structure between the homes

Along with routine, structure is also very important. Making sure the rules and expectations in each home are the same will be helpful. Correcting behavior issues is very difficult. It is important that you and your spouse stand united on what behavior is acceptable.

Often, during divorce, children act out behaviorally, whether at home or at school. It is imperative that both parents are prepared and understand that the child is going through a lot. At the same time, the behavior needs to be addressed. Parents need to be consistent so that neither parent ends up looking like the bad guy. Discipline needs to be a shared responsibility and communicated through both parents.

Keep your child comfortable

Keep the comfort of your child in mind. Now that your child may be moving between two houses, it might be a good idea to buy two of your child’s favorite things. Children often find comfort in a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. This is especially true for children with autism.

Each parent having their own special blanket (or whatever the special thing might be) can help avoid a serious meltdown. It may not always be possible to find two of their comfort item(s) so parents should also consider living within a close distance to the other to make it easy to pick up something that was forgotten at the other home.

Divorce is never easy, but there are a lot of different things that can make this life-changing transition easier. The best thing is to do as much research as possible. Do not be ashamed to ask for help from a professional.
Also, keep an open line of communication between you and your former spouse as much as possible. There is no right or wrong way, but hopefully these tips help make everything a little easier.